


Man. That's a lot of guns and gambling.

by oh_my_lord_its_sans



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: /bumbag if your from the uk, Asshole Reader, Bara Sans, But Mostly Dumb, But not that bad, But with guns and gangsters and fun things like that, Cavity Metacarpus, Dumb Reader, F/F, F/M, Gambling, It's a birthday present, Kidnapping, None of this fic is that serious, Oh, Poker, Reader gambles, Reader really likes her money, Revolvers, Russian Roulette, Sassy Reader, Set in Modern Times, Soulmate AU, Texas Hold 'Em, Tramp Stamps, and reader is ok with that, and swearing, bedroom shenanigans, chapter 4 is just fuckin stupid lmao, dumb shit will ensue, from the author, gaster is really really tall btw, half serious, lots and lots of swearing, mafiatale, melodramatic piece of shit lmao, no one is dead, oh well, or cleaning, reader is so dumb, sans kinda kidnaps reader after finding out they are soulmates, she doesn't like change, shoulda probably mentioned that earlier, sounds like sex but it aint, supreme fannypacks, what am I doing with my life, why did I write this, word vomit, yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-04 14:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14595252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_my_lord_its_sans/pseuds/oh_my_lord_its_sans
Summary: You're rich as hell. You gamble. You don't know what the fuck is going on anymore. You enjoy buying expensive brands for no reason.Then there were monsters. Suave, mysterious and kinda scary.Mix them together and what do you get? Dumb shenanigans and even more money.





	1. Oh, fuck off.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [3ugo1](https://archiveofourown.org/users/3ugo1/gifts).



> I'm officially back! This fic is gonna be updated every 2 weeks (I hope) and I have a new laptop.
> 
> But I'm horrible and gonna make you wait for the other two fics to update as I need to get my data from my old laptop still as it has all the prompts and shit for that. So, for now, take this very dumb fanfic which I made for my best friend for her birthday which was two months ago. Sorry boo lmfao

You stepped into the casino, all flashy dresses, and confident smirks. As a regular here, they knew what table you preferred to sit at, what drink you wanted, and who you wanted to serve you. You had the air of superiority, and you only looked the part. The rules here were simple. Get good, get paid. As a well-known gambler, you were often requested to join a lot of different gangs- to which you never accepted unless you gained some sort of profit from them. Usually, you'd be hired to gamble for something and you'd get paid 30% of the winnings. Now, you _could_ just gamble for yourself; but where's the fun in that? Plus, it stopped you from losing your charisma and people's skills. That and you got paid more for being hired and from 30% of the winnings than just having the prize to yourself. You couldn't help being an expensive girl, amirite? You knew fully well that this was a dangerous lifestyle, but hey, you only live once, right? Right. Which is also why you kept a gun hidden on you somewhere. It was a little revolver (otherwise known as your Ruger GP100, which was a double action 6-shot revolver which was chambered for a .357 Magnum, and the barrel was 6 inches long. Yeah, you knew your shit) which was on you at all times. Anyways, back to the casino. There was a variety of tables, anything from a pool to poker. You name it and it was probably there. As one may assume, this was, in fact, your favourite place to hang out, chill, gamble your life savings away. Well, gamble other people's life savings away. I mean, c'mon, who in this great (fairly disgusting) city could beat you? Unless some Japanese mafia boss who is a monster that can read emotions came to this country, to this city, to this casino and challenged you to a game of Go Fish, then yes. You'd probably lose out of pity as why would anyone challenge you to a game of Go Fish? I mean, there was always the group that lingered in the corner of the casino that did actually play Go Fish simply because they wanted to play a card game in somewhere fancy but didn't actually know any decent card games that they could pull off with a group of four people.  
Oh yeah, monsters are a thing. They surfaced around half a decade ago and received a hostile reaction from the humans. No surprise there really, though. Humans are kind of very hostile and seem to like shooting each other. With guns... and stuff. Lots of that threatening stuff, y'know? There was plenty of mobs, and trigger-happy police with batons, guns, and tasers. So, the monsters adapted. They made their own mafias. Some went their separate ways, others stuck together. Most monster mobs were dangerous, big, and feared. There were two main mobs, which sometimes collaborated. It was never a clean fight when both monster mobs worked together or against each other. However, there were stories that before they came to the surface, monsters were full of compassion, kindness, and love. Now? You didn't actually know. You hadn't really encountered any monsters as of lately. Honestly, you were kind of trying to avoid them as much as possible because what human was mentally unstable enough to go up to a monster that had guns and magic just to see if they were a nice person. You were already living a dangerous lifestyle, but you sure as hell weren't suicidal and planned on living as long as you could, and if you were gonna die it better be for a good reason. And it better be like, a cool death. Like, you didn't know... jumping out the window of a skyscraper that was blowing up only to fall into a pit into of snakes and lions, in which you fight as many as you can, but finally get bitten on the waist by a venomous spider which came from Thailand. And finally, with your last dying breaths, you'd stomp on the spider, avenging yourself before you died. You were gonna go down fighting still. Yeah, you might have overthought that one. The point you were getting at is, you didn't know if monsters were actually nice or not. But apparently, you were going to find out soon enough.  
  
  
But not right now. Right now, you were sprawled across a chair, cards in hand, chips on the table in front of you, poker face set in stone on your face as you stared at the men surrounding you. Texas Hold 'Em.  
"All in." your voice was strong, confident but not cocky. You pushed your chips forward calmly. You glanced around, simply resting your chin on bisected fingers while looking at the cards on the table. On the outside, you looked calm, collected, calculating. Therefore, on the inside, you were calculating, but you sure as fuck wasn't calm and collected. No, you were all over the place. You were staring at the other men in your peripheral, seeing if they would fold, or try to keep up with you. Another part of you was trying to tell if anyone was bluffing, to see if anyone was panicking, or even to see if anyone was overly cocky. Three out four folded. The other went all in. You stared at the man, looking deep into his eyes. He had a short beard, trimmed to perfection. His eyes were a grey, deep and void of emotion. He stared right back, with a dead poker face right back. You flicked your hand onto the table, a full house. The man looked outraged.  
"Her hand had to be loaded!" he growled at the dealer.  A smirk spread across your cheeks, and you leaned across to him. You stroked a hand down his face, smiling like you had done nothing wrong. His furious look did nothing to deter you from doing this. You really were an asshole.  
"Oh honey, learn how to play and then one day, maybe, just maybe, you'll beat me. Although I honestly doubt that. I'm just too good. Sorry, babes. Better luck next time." You gathered up your chips and the bearded man left. Albeit annoyed, but he left. You continued to play a few more rounds, till you either everyone left, or you had all their chips. Whoops. You pulled all the chips into a sack which you pulled up to the counter, in which you managed to haul a whopping £11,463,23. Damn, they had a lot of money. Not anymore though, what a shame that is. Yeah, you had gambling problems but at least you were good at what you did.  
  
You were now going to interrupt everyone with a little speech about soulmates. Unlike what most people seem to think, not everyone actually had one. Some people had two or three, or those incredibly unfortunate people who didn't have a soulmate. For the longest time, you didn't have one. You were sorrowful about it, your parents were soulmates, your brother, wherever he may be, had found his soulmate within a few years of being a teenager. You had accepted your fate as forever alone and had turned to gambling as a distraction from it all. Okay, that's a lie you just really liked money, but it makes your story sound more traumatic and devastating to anyone listening to you. Moving on, about a month before the monsters surfaced some words had somehow found their way onto your skin and you didn't know how it had happened. Maybe your soulmate had only just been born and you were going to be some next generation cougar. Maybe someone had gotten bored of their soulmate and you became theirs. Which wasn't actually possible but you could always hope? The only problem you actually had with the words being inscribed onto your skin was the fact that it was a motherfucking tramp stamp saying "mmm... nice." What? Do you become a prostitute in your near future? Do you cook for him? Why would they be his first words to you? Do you overhear him? If that's the case then your fucked because you listen to so many conversations, and yes you do realise how rude that is but honestly, you could not give a shit. But yes, anyone can imagine the shock on your face when you saw the words in the mirror when you went to get in the shower. And the tiny, "Well I guess I'll just die then?"  
Okay, tangent about soulmates over. Back to the action!  
  
That's when it happened. That's when hell rained down on the casino and when your life turned to shambles. Okay, that's a little melodramatic but that's not the point. Your life wasn't in shambles yet, and you're not dead yet, so what's happening? Well. It was only the biggest monster mob that came storming in through the door and it was wonderful and dramatic like your entire personality and they.. didn't look that scary, as per say. They just... had guns. And magic and they are deadly and now you're just cowering behind a table because goddamn you were a lot of things but you were not brave. Hell no. You would go for your gun and point it them and slowly walk out but again, you were not courageous and you probably never will be. Still, you got your gun out. There's nothing wrong with having a little safety on you... so much for living your life on the edge. Yeah, you were a whimpering little pussy, no need to rub it in. You are very aware of this and you do not need anyone reminding you of this very belittling fact. Yes, Jenny, I'm talking about you in the cheap seats.  
  
Moving on, you peered over the top of the table, to see some tall monster conversing with another, shorter skeletal monster. They were impeccably dressed and you had to take a moment to appreciate their well-tailored (probably Italian) suits. You couldn't actually see the face of the taller monster, just the back of his head and his hands, which seemed to have holes in the palms of them. You were unsure if you truly wanted to know how he managed to drill a hole with a diameter of about 6cm into both his hands and get them so... _perfect_. You mean, it must have hurt like hell, and to have it so perfectly shaped. No one would be able to sit through that pain. A better question is why does he have matching holes in his hands?  
  
While you were contemplating the hands of the monster, said monster had since turned around and had seen you staring at his hands. He raised a bone-brow at his shorter companion who just shrugged and teleported behind the human and examined the gun that was laying on the ground. The safety was on, even though he could almost feel the anxiety coming from the human. He took a moment to check the stats of the small female on the floor behind an upturned table and was pleasantly surprised by her stats.  
  
**"____ ____"**  
  
**LV:1**  
**HP: 35/35**  
  
**AT: 2(12)      EXP: 23**  
**DF: 3(-6)        NEXT: ???**  
  
**WEAPON: RUGER GP100**  
**ARMOUR: COMPLETELY USELESS SPARKLY DRESS THAT WAS INCREDIBLY OVERPRICED**  
**GOLD: TOO MUCH**  
  
**She is impressed by the perfect holes in Gaster's hands. Also a huge coward. Will probably let out an unholy screech if you try to talk to her.**  
  
He was a little concerned about the EXP but at least you didn't have any LV. It's not as if he couldn't ask at a later date, as this was the one Gaster was looking for. Apparently, this is the chick that could gamble and win anything. Well, that was what the rumours claimed. He was doubting your ability, but if you had 'too much' gold then you had to be getting it from somewhere, right? He nodded to Gaster and teleported back over to him after gently placing the gun next to the human again. He looked back to you, who was now staring at him, for some unknown reason. He pretended not to notice.  
"Is it her? Are you absolutely certain it is her?____?" Gaster pestered, in low tones.  
"yeah, 'm pretty sure it's her. she has an uncountable amount of money and buys.."  
"...She buys Gucci doesn't she." It wasn't worded like a question. It was more a statement.  
"...and calvin klein underwear.." Gaster sighed, already completely done with your shit before even meeting you.  
"Goddammit, why are humans so expensive?"  
  
You squinted at the big-boned skeleton (and you meant that literally) because what the hell? The literal skeleton was...  
Really........  
.............. _really_.........  
Hot?  
  
You were unsure how you found this skeleton oh so incredibly attractive but hey, you never really had the best taste in men. Yeah, just thinking back to that one time when you had sauntered into that guy's house only to find another woman yelling at him, saying that he had been cheating on her and all that jazz... you didn't hang around for very long at all. Well, you stuck around for a little while because you know, beef is what you lived for. What? You couldn't help it! Yeah, you knew you were an asshole.  
  
Said attractive, stocky skeleton came over to you, his perma-smile smiling at you gently. Okay, ____ don't mess this up, don't say something stupid! He's a monster, a really dangerous yet attractive monster, but a monster all the same who was also in a mob and oh my god please sir, stop being so offensively sexy.  
"I'm shook. Uh- I mean, um, and uh... yeah. Hi. I'm on the floor. Yup. This is happening. Good talk, me. So much for not fucking up, I guess. I should stop talking." You saw his eyesockets widen slightly, his mouth open agape, only for it to snap shut and a calm look took over his face.  
"mmm... nice." You choked on your tongue and looked at him in complete disbelief.  
"Seriously? You're my soulmate?" you sat there fumbling over your words before you started snickering, which evolve into giggles, which eventually becomes full-blown laughter. "Y-you have that on you somewhere? You're shittin' me right?" He was laughing too, it was a beautiful, deep baritone and he just shook his head, loosened his tie and started undoing his shirt buttons to reveal you stumbling over your words in calligraphy. Just wonderful.  
"I'd show you mine, but it'd include me taking off this dress and that is too much effort" he snorted as he sorted out his clothing, and then held out his arm to help you off the floor and you dusted off your dress.  
"sans, sans the skeleton," he introduced himself with a small smile that looked genuine, and that's all it took for your heart to just swell up with happiness as it finally hit you. You had found your soulmate.  
"____ ____ and let's get the fuck out of here so I don't get sued for breaking that table," You stared at the table which had been broken at some point and you were uncertain on how that happened but, details.  
"i was about to take you away from here anyways. i'll tell you in the car." Now you were confused. But hey who cares amirite?? You followed him happily to his car, with the Hole-y Hands following behind, looking slightly concerned for your lack of street-smarts. Or lack of common sense. Or both. You mean, it was your soulmate. So it couldn't be that bad, right? Probably.  
  
You got in the car, and Sans got in next to you. You smiled at him, silently asking why the actual fuck you were in this car, and if you were about to about to die or not. Because if you were about to die, then _this time_ you were truly fucked. He smiled back and did your seatbelt up.

"safety first. this is gonna be a wild ride for someone like you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> punch my tumblr
> 
> myhappysquids.tumblr.com


	2. Oh, You've Got To Be Kidding Me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does it count as a kidnapping if your soulmate does it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoopsy fucking daisies I'm early.
> 
> don't expect this to happen often lmao
> 
> meh just over 1k will mcfuckin do

  
So. You're in a car. With the soulmate you just met, his boss and the driver which you couldn't even see. This was suddenly starting to feel incredibly sketchy. Well, it's too late now.

"So..." You started, looking at them both pointedly, which was quite hard seeing as you were in the middle of them both, getting slightly crushed.

  
"so, there're now multiple reasons you're now sitting in this car." Welp isn't that just fun times and lollipops. "first of all, you're my soulmate, so you immediately become one of us, and luckily you have quite a high ranking in the group, which comes with being soulmates with the boss's right-hand man." What a cocky bastard, you smiled innocently at him, letting him think whatever the fuck he wanted, for once not laughing in his face because of that incredibly arrogant comment. But on the other hand.  
Oh, fuck yes. You ain't cleanin' no floors for **_NOBODY!_ FUCK YEAH!** That also means you get even more money, just for existing in that gang.  
"however, the second reason you're in this car? well, you're the gambling girl. we need a new gambler, and you are the best there is." Oh, how flattering. However, you got the niggling feeling that you were going to have to prove yourself. "however, you're going to have to prove yourself to us, we need you to show us that you can gamble in whatever way we may need.'' You fucking _knew_ it.

"Seriously? Why're people always bloody doubtin' me? I'm fuckin' sick at gamblin' and thas that." Ah, the wonders of being British. You could use the slang and no one would understand unless they were from there or happened to be the urban dictionary or constantly had access to said urban dictionary. You sighed and lent against your newfound soulmate, finding comfort in being so close to him. At least he was comfy. If he wasn't, you might have had to disown him and just be forever alone again. Which would be such a shame, he seems pretty damn chill.

 

* * *

 

  
An hour or so later, and you had arrived at... you weren't entirely sure where the fuck this was; it looked like a warehouse. You and Sans stayed side by side as you strode inside, externally looked calm and confident, while on the inside not so much. You were internally panicking but, hey! Poker is a great practice for such problems. As you stepped inside, you were handed a gun, which is fun and games and all but oh well, life is pointless and you are probably about to kill someone to prove your loyalty to them, and it'll most likely be someone from your family, or from an opposing gang... or, if you're lucky, it might be a traitor, and that _is_ something to look forward to. You stepped into a room with deep grey, concrete walls with no windows. Soundproofed too, by the looks of it. Marvellous. The room was empty, aside from you, your brand new and improved soulmate, and good ol' Hole-y Hands (whom of which you were beginning to recognise as the Big Boss™). Unfortunately for you, it looks like you weren't shooting anyone but yourself. You looked at the gun, which happened to be a Ruger SP101 and raised an eyebrow.  
"..."

"..."

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? Shoot myself? No, thank you." You were staring at them with a vaguely annoyed expression.

"That's exactly what I want you to do. Sans is very much against this, as you can probably see--" Sans had a completely blank expression on his face. You did not see what Handy Holes was on about. "--but I do not care what happens to you." Well, thank you, just the thing you wanted to hear from your potential new boss! His interview skills are off the charts. "You are to play Russian Roulette. There is only one blank in the chamber." Oh boy! Looks like you're _just gonna die then._ Whoops.  
  
You span the chamber, looking Sans dead in the eye- uh, eye-socket. You were mentally screaming at him about how much this is his fault, and how it's his fault you were gonna die. While the chamber was still spinning, you slapped it into its rightful place. You flicked the safety off and smirked as you held it up to your head. The cold metal made you twitch a little. They could have had the decency to warm the metal up before making you put a bullet through your skull. You couldn't possibly be any better at hiding your true feelings as you excluded an air of cockiness but your inner turmoil could not be more prominent. You were fucking terrified, and you mentally expressed this by internal screaming. It's quite the exercise to execute while holding a gun to your temple. It's good for stress relief, you found.

 

 

  
You pulled the trigger. You crashed to the floor, breath shallow, heart racing. Sans raced over to you, his emotions actually showing on his face for once. He looked distraught and worried.  
  
" _God damn_ , that was fucking scary as shit. Almost gave me a bloody heart attack. Could have given me cardiac arrest! What sort of boss does that to their new recruits? Never make me do that again, you. Yeah, you with the shockingly perfect circles in your palms-- by the way,  how **did** you pull that off? That must of hurt like hell. I, personally, would have pussied out as the second I saw whatever was gonna put the hole in my hand." You were staring at his palms again, and they would never cease to amaze you. This guy had some balls on him alright. Just pondering about having it done made you feel faint. Although, they would be excellent cup-holders. But they would kind of suck if you were trying to count change. Not that you ever needed to do that. You hated spare change, it sucked balls because it meant that you had to actually think about how much you needed to pay someone and blah blah blah. It was much easier to throw a twenty-pound note at them and leave. Shop-keepers must love you, receiving more money than necessary- and not having to actually give any back. You liked to think of it as tipping them for doing such a good job of having what you wanted in stock. You giving them extra money meant they had more money for supplies, which resulted in even more money. Who could possibly hate you for helping the economy? Just thinking about how you helped contribute to society made you smile. You were purely thinking about their families other than buying things for your own selfish wants and needs. Totally.  
  
Sans looked at you, deadass done with your shit. Right now, you were staring into space probably thinking about something completely unrelated to what you had just said. He had no idea how right he was. Within an hour of knowing his soulmate, he could already tell when you thinking about something that had nothing to do with the conversation topic. However, that wasn't a particularly difficult task, as it was quite clear that you weren't exactly the most quick-witted human he'd met. He probably shouldn't be slagging off his soulmate like this...  
  
You sat up, and Sans backed off a bit. As you were getting up (with no help from Sans) you dusted yourself off, you looked to Cavity Metacarpus only to find him sighing, done with your melodrama. It was a traumatic event having to literally shoot yourself, doesn't he understand that? You bet he was thanking his lucky stars that you were alive. I mean, c'mon, who gets their new gambling girl to play Russian Roulette as the tester game? There wasn't even any skill involved with Russian Roulette!? It's just a game of pure luck. It's just a game where you shoot yourself and hope you don't die. It's just a dumb, dangerous game. You helped Sans up and let yourself calm down, just thankful that you hadn't died from playing such a pointless game. God, there's more skill in playing motherfucking Snap than Russian Roulette! Why are you still raving about this? You had no idea, but that's a feeling you dealt with on a daily basis. Therefore, when you were lead out to the car, still grumbling under your breath, you didn't even realise it when you arrived at a gorgeous mansion, much like your own, but with huge guard dogs, one which was constantly swaying just to be able to see, and the other one a huge Pomeranian in a suit of armour. You didn't even acknowledge it when they started sniffing you up and down checking to see if you were a Bad Human™. You didn't notice when the car pulled up, and when you were lead inside. But what you did finally notice was-  
"...Is that a Supreme fanny-pack?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me Tumblr;
> 
> myhappysquids.tumblr.com
> 
>  
> 
> I feel like I should give the definitions for the British slang I use in this fic...


	3. Those shoes were expensive... oh well

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback from the good times that was only yesterday.
> 
> Does Hole-y Hands ever shut up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I APOLOGISE, FOR THIS IS LATE. FORGIVE ME. I BEG.
> 
> To be fair, I'm doing better at updating this one than the other two(+), like it's only two days late.
> 
> I'll put the definition of the British slang at the bottom heh
> 
> (edit: this chapter is shorter than i anticipated. shit. just take it i guess)

A tall skeleton awaited you, with a Supreme fanny pack. You have never been so proud of someone before in your life. You must be with this skeleton. You really hoped your soulmate was related to this legend, you mean, you kinda assumed they were by the fact they were both skeletons-- wait. Does this mean... Orifice Fist is related to them too???  
  
Oh shiiiiit...  
  
That's cool. You're probably gonna eventually die due to these skeletons like... you might have to undergo some sort of ritual that turns you into a skeleton and you'll become an undead, rich, beautiful lady. You only deserve the best, and you fuckin' knew it, cause...  
You...  
Were...  
A fucking QUEEN!!  
 Yeah okay, that was oh-so-very white of you and you regret everything. Even so, you grew up knowing that self-love was vital to a healthy life. However, you may have too much self-love that it has become some next-generation narcissism.

"Hey, do you guys have a mirror anywhere or do I really have to get my own out, like God, what does it take for a woman to get to look at herself these days? Good lord. This lady must savour her Gucci with pride."

"that didn't even make sense..." The disbelief radiating from Sans was unreal. He could not believe that oh, now you could speak fine, but when your words were going to be imprinted onto his ribs for-fucking-ever you were a stuttering mess. Or at least, that's what you'd be thinking if you were him.

"Oh shush you," You grinned at him nevertheless, knowing you'd have to get closer to him because there was no way in hell you had waited this long only to get a platonic soulmate. Not that there was actually anything wrong with that, you just really, really liked sex. Whoops, did you say that? No, no you didn't. You only thought it. Which is what matters, as no-one can know about your inner demons. You had lots! You swear! Like the fact that you always, always managed to get chased every week. Every week, you were chased by someone or something. Ah yes, it just reminds you of only yesterday, when you had to sacrifice your incredibly expensive shoes. Oh, what wonderful memories you had.  
  
_You ran down the alleyway, knowing from experience that this one didn't have a dead-end and that you were not going to die tonight. Or abducted. Which are both very common things to happen when you run down the alleys with the deceased_ ends. _See that? You used two big words at once. Y'know, ab- uh... abb-duck-dead? Close enough!- and deceased! Big words. Another thing you knew from experience was that even if you ran down somewhere with lots and lots of people, no one helped you. Yup, people in your area are dicks. Oh well! You had to rip the heels off of your feet and carry them as damn, running in heels (as much practice as you had had,) really sucked when being chased down alleys. You noticed that they were gaining,  so you dropped your heels. Then decided that you still wanted them. Then realised how close they were._  
  
_...You picked them up anyway. And ran like your life depended on it, which honestly?- it probably did. But then, yes there was a but, you realised just how close they were, and so you panicked like the little wuss you were. You threw your heels behind you- and at them._  
_"Have my heels! They'll sell for a lot of money! I'm sorry for rejecting you! Although, it's really not my problem that you can't handle rejection. Like, fam, you really need to get like, some help. And it's not my fault your girlfriend left you for me, I can't help being this bloody peng. C'mon, even you have to admit that I'm really fuckin' hot! Like damn, I'd definitely bang myself. Go buy a new girlfriend with the money from my heels!"_  
  
Ah yes, only the best memories. Supreme Fanny Pack simply grinned at you and brought a full-length mirror out from thin air. You greatly appreciated this while Sans and Hole-y Hands just stood there looking incredibly confused and a little concerned as you powdered your nose and fixed your eyeliner. Damn. You were looking fucking _fine_ today. You smoothed out your dress, and nodded to him gratefully, and let yourself be led off. You felt so pompous and my God, it felt amazing. And you just knew it was gonna end soon because Hole-y Hands nodded to the guard dog (quite literally, it was a dog in a suit of armour- it was adorable.) and the dog looked... too excited and continued to literally bowl you over. Lovely. You watched him walk away while the dog slobbered all over you. You scratched his neck and observed as his neck grew the more you rubbed it. This delighted you, and you kept doing so till his head almost went through the ceiling and then looped back down and then had completely circled you on the floor. Oopsies? Even then, you recommenced your actions until Sans sighed and dragged you out from underneath Lesser Dog, which you made you wonder if his neck was ever going to get smaller again. You really needed to think before doing... too late now. Like, he's probably fine, and if he's not you probably just ruined a good boy's life. 

 

* * *

  
Sans ended up carrying you away from Lesser Dog because you simply would not leave the adorable but possibly broken doggo alone. Sans carried you to an office, in which Hole-y Hands (you really needed to learn his name) was sitting at a desk in the centre of the room, looking very official. The room even smelt official; a waft of coffee and cologne weaved its way around you, making you feel slightly anxious as Hole-y Hands with the Cracked in His Face stared at you with sharp pinpricks. Sans set you down and stood behind you, dwarfing you in his immense height. That and you were just short and he was 6". Fek.

  
"I don't believe I've actually introduced myself, in all of the six hours I've been with you. My name is Gaster Wing-Dings. A leader of many, and now your new boss. As the biggest mob, there is, you don't have much choice other than to say yes, especially noting that your soulmate is my right-hand man, along with his brother. I will not hesitate to have you taken care of, however, so if you decide that you need to tell someone that you are working for a huge criminal gang then I really suggest you do not. I think that you will fit in just fine here, and you already seem quite comfortable with the brothers and the guards. As for your work as our gambler-" my God, he really likes to go on and on, doesn't he? You zoned out as Gaster rambled about whatever and- oh my is that a butterfly behind him? You let a content look fall over your face as the butterfly fluttered around the desk, and he's still talking? "-and finally, as for payment-" your interest peaked here, he's talking money. Your eyes snapped to his, and you listened intently. "You will receive about a third more than the average monster here. You will be working a relatively dangerous job, and you should know the potential dangers of working for me-" and off he goes again.

It only took him half an hour to let you go to bed, and even Sans had fallen asleep on his feet. He yawned as he took your arm, and lead you to your chambers (see you're being fancy again) and instead of letting you get changed or anything, he just flopped on top of you on the bed. He fell asleep instantly, and you realised just how sweet this giant skeleton was. You smiled gently as his head snuggled into your chest, letting him have his peaceful slumber. You soon fell asleep after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peng- A very positive word to describe how attractive someone is. People who live around Chatham usually say this (otherwise known as 'chavs' but that's a story for another day)
> 
> Beat up my Tumblr:  
> http://myhappysquids.tumblr.com/


	4. Sleeping in.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like the title says, you sleep in. But everything is all domestic and fun and wow. You better love his bony little ass because damn, you are thick as hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late, and that it's a filler chap, but hey we can't have all plot amirite

By the time you had woken up, it was midday and there was a skeleton completely engulfing you, and you were struggling to breathe.  
"Hey, Sansy, uh would ya mind if, I don't know... you got off? You're kind of suffocating me." Sans continued to snore. He was surprisingly heavy for a literal bag of bones. An attractive bag of bones in a suit, that is. Perks of working in a gang, it seemed, is that no one cared what time you got up. You tried rolling him to your side so that you could cuddle him like a koala bear. That failed, however, and you were running out of options. You pulled your arm out from underneath him and gently tapped his skull to try and get his attention. This also failed. This ain't funny anymore. So, taking extreme measures, you lent forward, unbuttoned his shirt, pulled it aside and chomped down on his clavicle. This appeared to be effective, as you've never seen this skeleton move so fast in the two days you've known him. He literally leapt off of you, and you smirked at his cerulean blush on his face. _Awwww_ ~ Did your little Sansy enjoy that?~ You sat there with only the smuggest of grins on your face.  
  
"what did you do that for?!" You shrugged at him, gesturing to your chest.  
  
"You were restricting my breathing, although you can come back to bed y'know. It's cold without you. And if I get too cold-" Your eyes widened slightly, to add a little dramatic effect, "-then I'll be a very cold and unhappy girlfriend/soulmate. Speaking of which..." You gave him a sidelong glance, you know the one, the one where you're about to talk about relationships and no one is prepared but you're going to have it anyway.  
  
"what about it?" Ah, precious skeleton. He has no idea what fate, the good ol' wingman, has in store for him. You really hope that he understands your undying need for chocolate and pretty much anything sweet. And at least fate understood that you are shallow enough to ditch him if he was poor.

  
"What are we? What are we going to be? I just want to get all of this sorted now, as y'know it's kinda hard to understand what kinda bullshit I can pull till I understand where we are at with our soul-mateship. Like I need to know if I can randomly make you hornier than a unicorn in a gang-bang or if I can only get a few drinks off you every now and then. This shit is important! Like I know that I'm oh so fucking rich but I pledged to myself that I will never, ever turn down a free drink, roofied or nah. Like I don't really care if y'all decide that you're better off without me. Because, honestly, you probably are. I'm like that kid in school that was popular simply because I had allll the hot gossip. Seriously! As soon as someone had a crush on someone I just knew. It's like a vibe I get. Of course, I'll always ask them beforehand, just so I didn't just assume, but I was right everytime anyway. That's how I gamble, honestly. I just get a vibe, whether they be bluffin' or not. Like, they could literally have a stone for a face and I'd still be able to tell if they're bluffing. And luck! That's like, a huge part of me, like I'm so damn lucky that if I got a lottery ticket right now, I'd probably win it. So like, if y'all ever get into like a fight or something I'll be some sick ass lucky charm. Which is why you need to tell me where we are in our relationship right now." You finally took a breath in, after all you did just spout three hundred and four words in about two breaths, which was very impressive if you do say so yourself. Sans shrugged. Well, isn't that just great.  
  
"we're whatever you want us to be, i'm comfortable with being as close as you want us to be. although, i'd personally prefer it if you kept your distance in the romantical region. i'm not a very touchy feely person. fuck buddies is fine." You internally became a fucking party, streamers, pinatas, random strangers fucking on the couch... while on the outside you looked like you were contemplating what he was saying, looking like you were taking everything he was saying into your head. Just imagine the number of times your gonna get laid now that you had your soulmate. Ah-ha this is fuckin' amazin'! You nodded to him, pleased with what he had said. You hugged him, grinning.   
  
"I'ma be the best bloody soulmate y'all ever see. And you better believe it." You weren't entirely sure when you became a cowgirl like yeehaw but ok this is happening now. You have never said the words "y'all" before today. You figured this was some sort of thing that happened to people when they meet their soulmate. You had heard that this was a thing that happened, but you never really believed it. Maybe it was because you never really took the time to look up these things, as you never thought you'd ever have one, let alone meet them. Most people don't ever even meet their soulmate, so you didn't really set up any false hope for yourself by thinking that you would be able to meet yours. This theory of yours would also explain your very sudden craving to just chug ketchup. Or you're pregnant, which wouldn't surprise you too much. You just had an insatiable sex drive. And you were honestly hoping that would be one of the things that he would pick up from you.  
  
 You held your arms out for him, making little grabbing gestures with your hands signifying that you wanted him back. He sighed and took off his suit jacket, dress shirt and tie and crawled back up to you. You immediately curled into him, exhaling in relief as his surprisingly thick bones wrapped themselves around you and you let yourself feel safe in his arms. That is until your face was squished into his ribcage and you just knew that it would leave a mark. You shifted your head away from his chest, allowing your head to rest on his humerus. This also gave you the ability to look at his face, to which you just smiled and oh- well- fuck- no you didn- ow- stop- christ that was going to leave a mark. You accidentally head-butted his chin and you should have expected that to hurt like hell seeing as it was pure bone there, owwwwwww. You hissed in pain, and he tried shifting away but that ended up with him falling off the bed and your arm was still trapped underneath him so you were pulled on top of him and it all was just an overall painful experience. Fucking _wonderful._  
  
"Now I'm just going to come out and say it, that was excruciatingly painful and we really need to sort this out. I do not want to suffer through that again for as long as I exist, which probably will not be very long if this continues to happen." Your posh accent came out, like every other time you were annoyed and/or in pain. You honestly hated it because you sounded like an angry mother telling off her child in public, or a PTA mum, yeah, nah. You hated that quirk of yours. You really hoped Sans wouldn't pick that up on that one because that would be peak as hell. You attempted to untangle yourself from Sans, and when you were both eventually free, you made an agreement to actually get dressed, go downstairs and eat as the shenanigans were becoming difficult to handle.   
  
So. You did go downstairs, but it turns out the shenanigans downstairs were worse than the ones upstairs. You thought that as a hugely feared and well-known gang, they would at least be organised. But apparently, that isn't the case as the kitchen is on fire, there is a trash tornado in one of the living rooms, the library was a mess, what happened to that chandelier? The carpet needed vacuuming...  
  
Meh, you couldn't be bothered to do it. It was just gonna have to stay like that until it annoyed you so much that you ended up cleaning it yourself, only to probably give up after looking at the hoover. You weren't that much of a clean freak, and your own house was only clean because you had hired a maid to clean and cook for you. Otherwise, it would be full of takeaway tubs and would be just as bad as this. Although, that trash tornado was goddamn mesmerising. At least it cleaned the room; from what you could see there was half a dozen socks, a few wrappers of some kind, an empty tub of ice cream (you related to it immensely), and what looked like glitter. On a table next to the tornado there was a rock, which looked pretty weighty and had glitter sprinkled over the top of it. That explained a lot, to be fair. Rocks were great pets, and really simple to look after. You had one as a kid too! You took him on a walk every day, you fed him glitter, and kept a water bowl next to him. He never really drank much, which might have explained why one day he suddenly disappeared. Your mum, bless her, held a funeral for him too. You'll never forget what she said about him...  
"As sad as it is to see that you're gone, I really hope that my daughter can get an education without forever being this stupid and I honestly pray for her future because what the hell, my child is so dumb. Amen." You still think that it was real nice of her to pray for his health, even though he was dead. She must have really missed him...   
"Uh... do you... wanna go back upstairs? I don't really want to see anymore destruction. I love the trash tornado by the way."  
  
"yeah sure whatever. it'll be gone in an hour because that's when papyrus comes home." You nodded sagely, acting as if you knew exactly who this "Papyrus" guy is. You would ask, but you felt as if you were supposed to know who he was so you didn't. Probably a wise choice.  
  
So back to the bedroom you went. Now, you're probably thinking, 'this would be a great time for some relationship development!' Yeah, well, tough shit. You brought out your phone and flopped back onto the bed, opening Twitter and just scrolling through the random bullshit people post. You watched in your peripheral as Sans shrugged, and lent against the wall bringing out his own phone, doing something or the other. You turned your head fully towards him, raising your eyebrow an inch whilst shaking your head in a slightly condescending manner. You got up off the bed and prowled over to him. Literally. You were on your hands and knees and only when you got to him did you stand up and sort yourself out. So what if you had childish tendencies? You still avoided stepping on cracks in sidewalks. He stared at every movement you made, with a small amount of judging in his expression. You grabbed his collar, pulling him close to you, growling slightly as you did so. His face was right next to yours and-  
You undid his top two buttons, huffing as you did so.  
"You looked so uptight. We're in a bloody bedroom for fuck's sake. Relax." You muttered at him, not really looking at his flustered ass face. It was probably adorable as fuck, but hey you've already seen that kind of face today, so as much as you wanted to keep seeing it, you already had the image burned into your head. That was phrased like it scarred you, but nah, he was just really cute. You patted his face, strutted back to the bed and promptly faceplanted it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beat the shit out of my tumblr:
> 
> http://myhappysquids.tumblr.com/
> 
> Peak: unfair, bad luck.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to hit up my tumblr;
> 
> myhappysquids.com


End file.
